My head battling with my heart

It’s been almost 6 months since I last held and kissed Hollis.  It’s so hard to believe it’s been that long. Time is such a weird thing, sometimes it seems like just yesterday he was here and other times like a lifetime since I last saw him.  Time certainly hasn’t healed this wound so far and I doubt it will.  In fact, it’s getting harder to keep going now that the shock has worn off.  How are we supposed to keep living when my Mommy heart is so broken?

I’ve noticed other parents who lost their kids to DIPG asking people to stop praying for them since they no longer believe in God.  How could a loving God make our kids suffer so horribly and take them away?  I understand their stance on unbelief.  My faith has certainly been shaken to the core.  I’ve stopped saying to other families that I will pray for healing and now just say I’ll pray for peace.  I’ve witnessed miraculous healing in my lifetime, so I know God can do it if he chooses.  But, if the healing doesn’t come after we prayed for it, there are questions about God’s existence and I feel like a misleading jerk.  For many reasons, I honestly did think God would heal Hollis.  I had a supernatural peace about it all, other strong Christians confirmed this feeling too and I’ve seen God do it before.  So, when Hollis died there were many shocked and disappointed people asking God “why”.   During times like this people say stuff like, “God needed another angel”, “Something wonderful will come of your tragedy”, “Everything happens for a reason, so watch what God will do with this!”  or a variety of other phrases in an effort to comfort our broken hearts.  But, those words bring no comfort and in fact can irritate a grieving parent.

After our daughter died, we did a lot of proactive good with our grief and reached out to other hurting families.  We became active with the March of Dimes, speaking often at events and raising money to end prematurity and birth defects.  When Hollis was diagnosed I told God, “I don’t need another cause! I already have a story and a mission, please don’t give us another one!”  But, you can’t bargain with God and he let Hollis die anyways.  That’s the hard thing to reconcile.  While God may not have caused my children to die, he allowed it to happen and I will never know why.  I know that God is walking beside me every day or I don’t think I would even be able to get out of bed each morning.  But, I’ll admit I sometimes yell at God throughout the day instead of thanking him for walking with me and giving me peace.

As a Christian and life long seeker of Jesus, I’ve realized that right now what I know in my head and what I feel in my heart are not the same.  I know in my head there is a God who loves me and is grieving with me, but in my heart I feel assaulted and abandoned.  In my head I know my kids are in Heaven and I will hold them again one day, but in my heart it seems like I will never know that love again.  In my head I know God didn’t steal my kids from me, but my heart feels that.  My head knows I need to keep going to church to get through this horrible time but my heart is screaming at God the whole service.  My head tells me there is still a lot to live for in life, but my heart can’t see a brighter future.  My head is grappling to find the truth of this situation and constantly battling with my heart to not give up on God or the plans he has for me.

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